You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
