They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
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Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
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My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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