Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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