For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
