I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
