if i can run in heels then i can drive
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
So many bounce houses so little time
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Randomize
