Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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