I can text with my tongue
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
