So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
