Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
