well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
