girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
