I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Randomize
