I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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