I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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