Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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