3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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