At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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