so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Small penises have feelings too.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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