3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
