I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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