woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
