dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
