How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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