When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
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