i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
