John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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