i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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