i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
