mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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