she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
