Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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