I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
