I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
