There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
