i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Randomize
