the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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