3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
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