sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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