FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
