just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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