its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
