the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
