Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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