Even water is tasting like jack daniels
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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