after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
