apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Everclear isn't food dammit
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