I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Randomize
