Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
