Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
