i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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