I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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