bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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