Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
