Umm I'm too high to move.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
