I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
