do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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