I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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