weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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