....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
